X-FACTOR

The X Factor: can the UK survive without Cheryl Cole?

As Simon Cowell confirms the Geordie lass is to join him in the US, will the singing show go the way of Britain's Got Talent?

Cheryl Cole confirmed as US X Factor judge
Poll: Will Cheryl Cole be a US success?

Finally it has been confirmed that Cheryl Cole, the formerly punchy but now ever-so-ladylike doyenne of British showbiz, is shipping out to Los Angeles to take her place on the US X Factor judging panel. After months of stories speculating on her suitability for the job, she is finally packing her Vuitton mega-trunks to sit at Simon Cowell's right hand, dishing out encouragement and verbal beatings in equal measure while gold bars are regularly delivered to her dressing room. She's made it.
But what will oor Cheryl bring to the US version of the show – and what does this mean for UK audiences who hang on each no-nonsense Geordie pronouncement; every flash of that entrancing dimple? And will the Americans understand her accent, because apparently some of her L'Oréal adverts have confused them a bit.

As a TV personality (let's put her music career aside for the moment) Cheryl's good qualities are many. She is incredibly, incredibly pretty. Pretty people can have any job they want as long as it's not as a vascular surgeon. She can cry at the drop of a hat without smudging her makeup. Gazing mesmerised at her delicate features gently leaking tears on to the desk, you forget she's a bit rough round the edges. She's one of those weeping angels from Doctor Who. While you're looking at her lovely face, everything is OK.

She has effectively been handed a gold ticket by Simon Cowell. A man who himself doesn't seem to know that much about music can sprinkle his stardust on practically anyone – Piers Morgan for god's sake – and they are instantly granted a licence to criticise, laugh at and belittle fellow members of the human race. And now Cheryl can do it on both sides of the Atlantic.

But will she bother with crappy old England now she's destined for Hollywood? When Dancing with the Stars took off in the US, Strictly judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli spent a fortune on transatlantic flights so they could appear on both shows at the same time. But something tells me Cheryl can't wait to be rid of this tired little country.

Where does that leave us? Witness if you will the latest incarnation of Britain's Got Talent. Michael McIntyre, Amanda Holden and David Hasselhoff are spray-tanned rats, clinging to a sinking ship. None of these shows have much of a shelf life without Cowell. Lord knows how but he's attained some sort of superpower which none of the other judges have and, without him, they have as much clout as Nick Clegg at a Tory party conference.

If the British X Factor carries on without Cowell and Cole, we'll be left with Dannii Minogue trying not to look utterly insulted that the US invitation was never proffered to her, Louis Walsh looking as happy as ever, unaware that anything is actually going on, and who? Sharon Osbourne? Pete Waterman? Dannii and Louis are set dressing. Who will scare the contestants and leave them gibbering with grateful awe now? And which one of the Saturdays will be groomed to take Cheryl's place? I think even the most ardent X Factor fan will find it hard to care.


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